Sharing a dream!

Update

2011-07-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Nothing new going on over here. No donations. Don't know if people are even viewing the site cause my webmaster basically went MIA (don't blame him, he was working for free). Tried to get a role in "New Year's Eve," since I've worked with that director 5+ times....but he said they were only using NY local actors. I volunteered to pay my own airfare & boarding...but no such luck. I hear this director has said I got "fat & old." Um...I suppose that's true. Epilepsy meds make you gain weight. I gained 30 pounds on epilepsy meds, no other lifestyle changes. You don't see many thin epileptics. There are some LUCKY people who lose weight on epilepsy meds, but MOST gain weight. It slows down your metabolism. I didn't have much of one to begin with. Boo. And as far as aging? Um, yeah, every year I get one year older! That's the way life works! I used to look REALLY young for my age, but sadly, epilepsy--and all the stresses & health problems associated with it--truly aged me. I'm so, so sorry I got fat & old. It happens. I want to lose weight, but 5 foot doctors told me I'm not allowed to do any cardio that uses my feet.....so really, I'm only allowed to swim or bike. Swimming isn't real practical year 'round, & biking is only practical on my days off. I'm not even supposed to walk on a treadmill. Why? The 30 pound weight gain caused severe plantar faciitis because I kept dancing with the extra weight...and that condition lead to Achilles tendonitis.....it was recommend by every foot doctor that I consulted that I retire from dancing...my response was always "Will you pay my mortgage/bills?" Yeah. I'd have no job if I retired dancing. So every day, I dance in some serious pain. By the last show, I'm truly hurting. But dance on I must, & considering the state of the economy, I'm lucky to even have a job that hurts me!!! I'm grateful for my job, pain aside. I'm thinking about sucking up worse pain & just start jogging despite doctor warnings. I have a bad knee, too, but hey...my depression is all the worse due to the extra weight. I feel seriously UGLY. I cringe when I see pictures of me, with my giant boobs, fat arms, muffin top, & 3 chins. I don't like that my chin resembles Peter Griffin! Sheesh! It's so extremely depressing. Especially when I see pictures of myself when I was thinner. I was so much more attractive...still not PRETTY, imho, but much cuter.

Every day is a battle with myself to keep going. Some days, I want to end it all, & other days, I have hope that SOMETHING will happen in my career....I will sell a script, get a good role, etc. I'm fairly confident it won't happen til I lose weight. Chubby actresses are not popular in Hollywood, with a few exceptions (the gorgeous Queen Latifah, hilarious/adorable Melissa McCarthy, etc.). I also cannot afford new headshots at this particular moment in time. Some days, my goals seem obtainable & I'm hopeful...other days....I just want it all to end. I've struggled for so long.

2010-08-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

Tried to figure out a way to contact Hollywood Farm Girl (Tammy Lynn Michaels). I met her years ago & wanted to offer her some words of support. She was really cool when I met her. I met her at the GLAAD Awards many years ago, with Melissa. Melissa didn't want to take the picture with me (I think shyness more than being a jerk), but Tammy was all for it & was so funny.

I haven't written in forever. I know I should be better about it. Truth is, I'm deeply, deeply depressed, & I tend to cut myself off from the world the more depressed I get.

As I was sitting here writing this, a friend just randomly started being a jerk and called me a "simple mind." Nothing like friends who really know how to be there for you, right? I said, "What nights are you off next week," and he started typing a bunch of smileys. So I asked again. He said, "My schedule is not out yet." Surprised, considering schedules are supposed to be out 2 weeks in advance, I said, "What????" And he repeated himself & added, "I didn't know I was dealing with a simple mind." I said, "Simple mind?" And he said, "What's with all the questions? What is it you want to know & why?" I said, "It was one question. 'What nights are you off next week.' One question. I wanted us to see a movie together. Never mind."

Geez.

In all fairness, he IS an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, but we're pretty good friends, & last time I saw him we were fine. Maybe he's drunk. He's a nasty drunk. Maybe I'm making excuses for him yet again.

Anyway....

Not much new to write about. I had a teensy part in "Valentine's Day." I have a black Bettie Page hairdo & say "Hi Morley" to Jessica Alba's character. I worked 4 days on the movie & said more than that, but as usual for me & Garry Marshall, I'm lucky to end up seen or speaking at all. I'm hoping for some sort of part in "New Year's Eve," or whatever it will be called, but I shant hold my breath, either.

Having trouble holding onto my house. I just need to make more money. It kills me that I work my butt off 5 days a week & can't make ends meet. I've been with this company for 12 years now! You'd think I'd be making a better living. I have no money for anything extra. I have no money for my bills. No money for gas/food. It's pathetic, it really is. I need to fix things on my car....no money. I need new headshots, desperately, if I'm to get an agent....no money. I'm going to try to set up the tripod & get a decent headshot of myself (yes, taken by myself), and then try to figure out how to come up with the money to get them printed up. I haven't had a new headshot in at least 5 years or so. I had short, blonde pixie hair & was considerably thinner. That was pre-seizure meds, pre-last seizure when I blossomed sideways. Ugh. Then I went through 3 years or so of black hair, and now I'm back to blonde hair (mostly....parts still look orange where the black didn't want to leave me), and it's long again. If I wanted to cut off most/all the orangey parts, it would be really short again. I'm not ready for that yet, though I will probably get back to short hair eventually. But I've been wanting it long for a while, so now that it is...I'm not ready to let it go.

Even though I'm not a big fan of hers, I was impressed to read that Elisabeth Hasselbeck changed her stance on gay marriage after having dinner with Melissa Etheridge. She was opposed and now she's for gay marriage. Good for her. I have posted about gay marriage several times on my FB statuses, & I have yet to have one person give me a legit, intelligent reason why gays should not marry. If your argument against gay marriage is religious, you should rent the DVD "For the Bible Tells Me So." If it's for non-religious reasons....huh? I mean, I cannot think of a single viable reason--that's not stupidity or fear based--for gays to not be able to get married. I think I do believe churches should be able to personally decide if they want to hold gay marriages there, but my reasoning for that is this: if you were a gay couple, why would you WANT to get married in a church that opposed your love???? Wouldn't you want to get married surrounded by positivity, love, & support? Personally, I don't get the connection between religion and marriage at all.

But then I'm unmarried and will likely stay that way.

Enough for now. My cats are curled up sleeping next to me, & I think I shall take that as a hint. I had a huge list of things to do today and tomorrow, & I didn't get anything done today...other than rest, which IS very important, for sure. My job is really tiring me out...not to mention the depression. There isn't much that's more exhausting than wanting to die.

yo

2009-07-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

Adventures in traveling

2009-02-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

So I get to the airport early today. Before 1:30 for a 2:45 flight (this is Birmingham, no longer than that is needed). I go through security...and they tell me I'm the lucky winner...I get to go through the "randomly picked" (random my ass) special security fun....they pull me over to a special section with special bins for my stuff. Once I load all my stuff in the special bins, the TSA guy escorts me to a private glass booth. WTF? Someone finally comes to get me, & escorts me over to where I'm going to get thoroughly checked. They molest my body, & then go over EVERY ITEM I have with a fine toothed security comb...including the food I brought. I didn't really care, but was curious why I was selected. It was no huge deal, but it was slightly annoying, especially since I have no clue why they picked me.

Then the flight was delayed....TWO HOURS! It was late getting in, & then there was a "mechanical problem." So, when we finally get on the damn plane...it's a damn sauna, & it's abundantly clear to me that I'm not going to make my connecting plane. I got to be buddies with the man next to me, he was super nice. (Smartest man I've ever met, too, cause he & his wife have separate homes!) We get to Denver, where I find out they can't get me to Burbank until TOMORROW!!! Thank god I leave that one day cushion...which is really supposed to be for me to rest & recover from traveling...not to continue traveling! So United Airlines provides me with a hotel room in Aurora, & dinner, & an over night kit....cause I find out I don't get to be reunited with my luggage. I don't have extra clothes, no toiletries, etc. I'm told I can get dinner at the airport or at the restaurant across the street from the hotel. My new friend walks around with me, since his rescheduled flight isn't for a while. I decided to buy some cheap Colorado tourist clothes...pants & a t-shirt...cause I AIN'T wearing the same outfit again tomorrow. Gross. Yes, I would, obviously, be showering, but I've been in those damn clothes all day, & remember, the airplane had been a sauna, so I had been sweating. It was sooo cool, cause I found a $20 pair of comfy pants kinda like sweatpants, & my new friend was nice enough to buy me the t-shirt! That was so super nice. He said it was good karma, & I had to pay it forward. Cool!

So I get a smoothie for my "dinner," my new friend & I part ways, & I head to Carousel 16 to get my overnight kit. Then they tell me to head out to Island 3 & wait for the hotel shuttle.

Yeah, it's at this point that I remember I'm in COLORADO in FEBRUARY! Yeah....I stand out on the damn curb, OUTSIDE, for 1.5 hours...in a t-shirt. My jacket, which wasn't heavy anyway, was in my luggage that I didn't get to have. A t-shirt, & it's like 25 degrees! WTF?!?! Does that overnight kit contain a coat & mittens? Damn. I couldn't feel my fingers. I'm lucky as hell I had a blanket with me, so I wrapped up in that.

After 1.5 hours, I'm irritated, frozen, & had to piss like a racehorse. I'm afraid to leave the curb, worried the damn shuttle will pull up the one minute I walk away, & thinking no one is there, leave. But I finally decide to go inside & ask. I'm like, "How long do I have to wait for the shuttle? I've been out in the cold in a t-shirt for 1.5 hours!" The lady calls, & I run to the potty. Best pee ever. When I come back, she tells me the hotel expected a phone call saying someone was waiting for pick up, but United was never told they were supposed to call the hotel. Every other hotel sends a shuttle like every 15 minutes, automatically. The lady was pissed, cause they didn't even know, themselves! So she said they would be there for me in 15 minutes, & she lent me a coat. I guess people leave their coats on the planes, so she let me take one. Having a coat, relieving my bladder, & knowing I'd soon be in a warm bed made me feel better.

I checked my ticket & it has another SSSS on it....guess what that means? I get to be molested by TSA again! Wooooot! No action for over a year & suddenly I get a lot! Sweet!

Seriously, though, I cannot believe I had to go through that security bullshit today, & have to do it again tomorrow...when I SHOULD be in my own bed tonight, with my very much missed kitties, & shouldn't have to be going back through security AT ALL! This wasn't my fault, & I get inconvenienced with a security molestation again? How is that crap fair? Sheesh.

Then the United lady tells me it's supposed to snow here in Denver tonight....so will my flight even be able to take off tomorrow??? Damn.

I'm *really* hoping Mirna can go back, unexpectedly, to my house tonight, or I'm going to have STARVING cats tomorrow. *worried* Sorry, Mirna. This wasn't my plan!

I'll have to come back to Colorado some day & actually stay a while & go skiing. My friend just moved to Durango. I went to Denver for a while back in '91-ish, don't remember too much about it.

It's been an action packed day. I washed my panties in the sink here, I hope they are dry for tomorrow! Hey, they didn't sell panties at the airport! I get free buffet breakfast tomorrow, a shuttle back, & free wireless.

Unfortunately, I have to wear the same dirty socks tomorrow. *gag*

Ginger

2009-02-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

She's doing great. A change to (expensive) prescription food made all the difference in the world. It's a bit of an inconvenience, because I have to feed her separately from the other kitties, but the change is amazing. She appears completely healthy. It's great. I'm so happy.

"The Secret Lives of Bees"

2009-02-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not even done with this movie yet, & it's amazing. Why didn't this movie get more attention? Why didn't these people win awards?

Queen Latifah is one of my favorite people in Hollywood. I love her. I have worked with her several times, and she is the nicest, classiest lady. I just adore her. And she's such a phenomenal, highly underrated actress. She's just amazing in this movie.

Dakota Fanning has always been a great little actress.

Jennifer Hudson is just great, Alicia Keys is amazingly good, and Sophie Okonedo is a wonder. She's just incredible.

This movie made me cry like a baby. It's so sad. There are obviously sad parts, but what's saddest to me is the racism scenes. It sounds so trite, but I'm so ashamed about how my "white folk" acted back in those times. It's disgusting to watch these scenes. I get furious & hate my own people. It's just appalling.

so sad

2009-01-25T01:36:00.001-08:00

I was just reading my blog from back in May, when Ginger & Clark's siblings were dying. I guess none of them were meant to live very long, except maybe Bear...but since Bear was adopted from the shelter, I have no clue what her health is like, but she sure was healthy when she left me!

Just quick updates regarding other things....I'm not moving to Nashville. I'm moving up to Palmdale. Housing is really affordable there. I really, really, really did not want to leave California. My commute to work will be miserable, and I hope to eventually find a job out there that I like & provides benefits. Good luck in this economy, right? I hope to get some new headshots taken soon & try to get an agent & get moving on my career again. I had hoped to lose some weight, but it doesn't appear possible on these seizure meds. The Prozac I was on was keeping me slimmer, and now it's hopeless. I have no metabolism to speak of. I'm fat & ugly. Maybe there are some fat & ugly roles out there for me. I have a nice smile.

When I have something to smile about...

I've been crying too much to stare at a computer any longer, so more updates later. My thanks to anybody who follows along.

I don't want to play god.

2009-01-25T01:34:00.001-08:00

Well, this is just crap.

I have to decide whether or not to put my 10 month old cat, Ginger, to sleep.

How the HELL am I supposed to make that decision? I tear up even as I write this, & at the mere thought of actually putting her to sleep.

To make matters worse, I plop down on the kitchen floor today to read my mail. Ginger comes over & curls up on my lap, purring away. Sweet as she can be, this cat. Hardly ever makes a sound, she's simply no trouble at all. She didn't want to get off my lap. At one point, I asked her, "Do you want to stay alive?" She meowed in response...the silent kitty, normally. Problem is, did that "meow" mean yes or no? And how am I supposed to figure that out???

By all accounts, Ginger should already be dead. She came from a very sick litter of 7. 4 died. One, Bear, was very healthy, & my theory is that Bear had a different dad than the rest of the litter, and the rest had a dad who was sick or a carrier, because the other 6 were sickly. The 4 smallest died, & Clark & Ginger fought & fought & fought to live. Clark almost died once, & while he fought back to survive his close call with death, he was never really the same. I'm confident he has mental issues. He's just not quite "right," it's just something I can tell. It's his behavior & also his eyes. He always has problems with his tummy, too. He's healthier than Ginger, but not by much.

Ginger almost died as a tiny kitten, but had SO much sheer determination to live. Then back in August, when she was not quite 6 months old, she had a bout with this remaining illness (something like mengioencephalitis, a by product of the panleukapenia that killed the rest of her family). That time, she lost all feeling in her hind end. She had no idea when she was pooping & peeing. She couldn't walk, but only drag herself around by her front paws. The look in her eyes was one of confusion & pure desperation, one of "help me!" I had to put her in diapers...which didn't stay on. She spent a night in the vet hospital, on an IV, & they had no clue what was wrong. They called the next day & asked me to come sit with her, because they think she had stopped eating purely out of depression. As soon as she saw me (and she was in isolation, in the same cage Dexter died in...alone), she perked up & started eating. The medications (antibiotics & steroids) made her better in a few days. I was told she may or may not have a relapse like this again.

Here we are, 4+ months later. Same thing, with slight variations. No paralyzation this time. This time, it's lethargy, sickly looking eyes, loss of appetite, & uncontrollable anal leakage....mucusy, extremely foul smelling stuff, & now green stuff. For instance, I just picked her up, & she leaked all over me. A lovely green liquid. Not pleasant, by any means, but I'm not concerned about what can be cleaned. I'm concerned about her & how she feels.

Both vets I have spoken to (my vet, Mark, & a vet that works with him & dealt with Ginger back in August) suggest I put her down. They say it's a quality of life issue. This can't, after all, be any fun for her. Dogs & cats rarely show any signs of illness until it's too late or until they've been suffering greatly. So, chances are, she was suffering for weeks before she started showing the signs. You can just tell by her eyes that she's in pain. It's so sad to make eye contact with her, cause she seems to be imploring me to help her, but is she saying, "Help me!" or is she saying, "Let me go"?

Today, when she cuddled up with me, I don't know if that was a goodbye, a last little cuddle before death...showing me she trusts me no matter what I do....she loves me no matter what I decide....or telling me that she doesn't want to lose me, that she wants to fight, wants to stay with me? She's suffering, yet she purrs when I touch her.

Having gone through so much, Ginger & I just have a bond. She doesn't let any other humans get near her, only me. She just loves me & trusts me. That makes this harder.

I've had her on the steroids for several days, & just thought maybe they weren't working alone, so I got the antibiotics yesterday, & she appeared to be getting a bit better. And then things happen like how she just leaked all over me. Her butt is horribly inflamed, & if I touch it with a tissue, she cries in pain. Every test they've run on her has been negative for anything, because the deadly diseases don't really have good tests, & rarely show up on anything. Back in August, after $300 in medical bills, all they had to show for it was that her white blood cell count was high, indicating an infection, but they didn't know what or where or why.

The vet's primary concern is that since we don't *really* know what is wrong with her--and possibly Clark--are they potentially making my other cats ill? Could whatever she has be contagious? They think it is best to put her down for many reasons....possible contagious issues, quality of life, suffering, etc. They think this is as good as it gets...her being "okay" for a few months, then getting sick & suffering every 3-6 months....for however long or short her life may be, & they don't think she'll live long, anyway. Not being this sickly. It will eventually take a toll on her little body.

Am I am evil bitch if I euthanize her? Or am I an evil bitch for watching her suffer when I could end it? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to suffer because I'm too selfish to let her go. I just feel like she fought soooo hard to survive this long, and won't die on her own, so how can *I* take her little life? She's only 10 months old! I had a hard enough time deciding whether it was right or wrong to put 17 year old Duncan to sleep! Dexter, I was fighting for, but he died on his own. The vets make it sound like I am cruel to keep her alive like this. Am I? I don't want to be cruel, but what if, after all the fighting she has done, she really doesn't want to die, & I kill her anyway? How awful is that? I know it won't happen, but I have visions of her being on the "Rainbow Bridge" looking down on me, saying, "Mom, why did you kill me? I wanted to stay with you, & with my brothers & sisters. I would have been okay with suffering occasionally just to stay there & be loved." Oh god. I can't take this. I look at her sweet, adorable little face, & I realize she is counting on me to make the decision...but I can't. But I have to. And what if I make the wrong one? If I were ever in a coma or suffering, I would want my family to pull the plug. But I just can't make a decision for her. She's soooo cute & soooo sweet & has fought so hard to live this long. I know, I know, if she is put to sleep now, I would have given her 10 months she wouldn't have gotten if not for me, but that doesn't console me. I'd like to give her 10 YEARS or more. But I'm helpless and have no control.

And I might have to make the same decision about Clark. He's been having some of the same symptoms, to a lesser degree. It stands to reason that they have the same illness, being brother & sister, and most of their family died of it. He just may be a bit stronger. So I might have to put them both down, to tread on the side of caution with my other, healthy cats, & so that neither suffers. As I'm pondering this for both of them, and Ginger is loving me so much on my lap today, Clark came over and got lovey-dovey with me, too, & he NEVER does that. He's very independent, & normally doesn't pay me much attention...unless I'm eating something that smells good. But he came over to check on his sister, & plopped down next to me, meowing, & purring, & wanting attention from me. I just simply don't know what to do.

This is just tearing me apart.

No update since May!

2008-10-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

Shame on me!

*sigh*

I don't even know where to begin for an update.

I'm on temporary disability right now. On the 23rd of September, I had another grand mal/tonic-clonic seizure. This one was particularly disturbing because they were supposed to be completely controlled. I'm not taking these meds that make me sooo sick just to keep having seizures. When I had this seizure, people assumed I had just stopped taking my meds. I was pretty incredulous. Like, oh yeah, seizures are SUCH fun, I *truly* want to have as many as possible, so I'll just stop taking the meds. Duh. My neurologist said, "Were you taking your meds?" Ummm, yeah. Twice a day. I'm not exhausted every day for no reason. My aunt and uncle thought I had stopped taking them cause they were making me fat. Ummmm....do I look skinny??? I AM totally chubby!! If I stopped taking the meds to get thin, that sure didn't work! Whoops! Guess my effort to get thin resulted in a seizure! *blink* Come on, people. I hate being chubby, but I would exercise like a fiend before I'd risk having seizures. Let me tell you something....these flopping around like a fish episodes are NOT fun! I always get pretty badly injured after each one. I get so angry when I read all the phamplets that say epilepsy isn't dangerous. Bullshit. I've gotten hurt every damn time. Not *majorly*, but enough! After the first one, I had a horrible bruise that took up the entire backside of my thigh, had almost bitten my tongue off. I couldn't feel the tip of my tongue for months. After the second seizure, I hurt my back, shoulder, tongue again, chipped my tooth, and needed 8 staples in my head. After the 3rd seizure, I badly hurt my shoulder, back, bit my tongue again, and needed 10 staples in my head. This time, I hurt my neck and back, and badly hurt my tongue this time. My tongue hurt sooo bad for a week! I had to go to the ER and the Urgent Care...over a hurt tongue! Oh yeah, I also scraped my face after the 2nd one, and I'm sure I had random bruises and scratches after each one. If I had been alone during one of those head injuries...I would have bled out and died. Don't tell ME that seizures aren't dangerous!

I'm frustrated with my doctor cause he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously. I have over a month off work, and instead of running serious tests on my stupid brain, he's not doing squat. He's running a blood test to check the med results on my liver, whoop-dee-doo. I need a brain wave test, an MRI, etc. I was supposed to be "cured" on the meds.

The doc said he'd double my meds. But get, that doubles the somnulance. Wtf? I'm already a virtual zombie! How could I be twice a zombie?? So he put me on a new one in addition to my current one...and now I'm twice the zombie. Literally...I wake up...and I'm not sure why I bother. The moment I wake up, I want to go back to sleep. I want naps throughout the day. I'm sooo sleepy by 7PM, even if I HAVE had naps. I can't stay up through my 10PM shows! And that's after 8-12 hours of sleep at night! How in the hell am I going to hold down a regular job when I need 3 naps a day?? This is ridiculous.

On to better thoughts....I'm fostering again. Only 5 kittens this time. How many I had last time almost killed me. I didn't want to even get this many, but this many were "critical." Two black, 2 orange, 1 fluffy gray with attitude. I think 4 are boys. They are still at that "critical" size and age where I am worried about their health/lives. I'm pulling for them. One seems pretty sickly. One was all bones, but he's eating like a damn pig now, and fattening up. He was being bullied by the kittens he was caged with at the shelter, so maybe he just wasn't eating. He is now! I hope they all pull through, but I know better than to expect that. I have them in my bathroom this time. I go in there and take my naps in the bathtub, so that I can spend time with them. A couple of them are able to get into the tub with me. The others, I will wake up and find them all curled up together, sleeping, on the toilet seat, just so they could watch me. They were so scared of me at first, and now they are totally used to me. They are purring already.

So I'm planning on moving to Texas. I love California. I never thought I'd leave. I never thought I'd give up my Hollywood dream. I'm not giving up the acting/singing dream entirely. I hope that, where I end up, I will be able to do local commercials, and sing in bars and stuff. Where I want to move has old time saloons. Maybe I can get a singing job in one. That would be so wonderful. I'm not in this for the fame and fortune, I'm in this because I love to perform. I can still record a CD and try to sell it. Don't have to be in LA for that.

No one (okay, very few people) wanted to help me with my dream, and I just can't afford it any more. I have to move someplace cheaper. I have to try other things, make new dreams, try new paths.

Update

2008-05-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

No updates for the site in particular. No new donations. Still planning to move to Nashville and pursue a singing career.

I've been busy with the kittens the last 3 weeks or so. It's been so wonderful, rewarding, and sad. I am fostering 18 kittens from the shelter. I started with 24. That's sad. I have no clue what's wrong with them. My understanding is that orphaned kittens rarely survive. If they didn't get their mother's milk in the first few hours of life, they don't get important antibodies that they need. Parvo tests have been negative, so all I can guess is that the weaker ones are dying from the URI, just unable to fight it. Sammy was the first to die, then Larry, then Gilligan, Amy, Socks, and Jenny. It was unexplicably sad...to watch something so small die in your hands...or come home and find a dead kitten...sooo awful. I should have been able to monitor them better, but Knott's Berry Farm gave me permission to bring them to work with me...then took permission away. Jerks. Not very charity minded.

This is a great way for me to help. It costs me very little. I'm saving lives. All 24 kittens would have been euthanized, so if any survive, I've done well...not that it's really up to me. The remaining 18 are doing really well right now. There were 7 ferals to begin with. Mouse couldn't be considered feral any more. Salem, Stewie, and Simon got acclimated to me right away (just don't bother them while they're eating!), Wooot is coming along, Tiger has calmed by leaps and bounds, so it's really only Tarzan and Jane I need to socialize the most. Ironically, they get along great with the other kittens, they are just scared of me. I don't blame them, considering how much bigger I am to them.

I just feel so fulfilled when I go in the kitten room and have a bunch of kittens crawling all over me. They are so sweet and so affectionate. Indy, Clark, Ginger, and Bear really think I'm mom. It's going to be hard to return them at the end of 2 months. Boo.

I hope to make some sort of name for myself, so that I can encourage others to be kitty foster moms/dads! It's such important work, esp if you like animals.

And then there were 5.....

2008-05-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm currently fostering bottle baby kittens for a shelter. I raise them & love them & socialize them til they are 2.5 months old or 2.5 pounds, then I take them to the shelter, & they adopt them out (hopefully).

I was given 7 kittens, 2 were runts. The healthier kittens have been thriving...growing, eating solid food, playing. The runts never grew, never played, never got any better.

The first runt, Sammy, died a few nights ago. Man....heartbreaking. I came home from work & he was near death. He wasn't moving, barely breathing. It is so tragic to watch something so tiny die in front of you. He only had 4 weeks to experience life. I'm somewhat happy that at least he had an abundance of love & attention for almost 2 weeks. He died loved. He KNEW love. If they don't find fosters for the orphans, they will likely be euthanized. So I saved 7 lives by fostering them.

The second runt, Larry, died tonight. He has been lethargic since I got him. He cried all the time, never played, didn't grow at all. But we had just been with the kittens 2 hours prior to finding him near death. I have been taking the kittens to work every day with me, so I can keep an eye on them. We visit them after almost every show. They're still at the age where they sleep a lot. They will run around & play for 15-20 minutes, & then they're ready for a nap! Very much like me! :-) So we went to our break room to let them nap, then did a show, then went back to get them to go home, & Larry wasn't moving. This was the exact same way Sammy died. When I picked him up, he was like a ragdoll. He couldn't move any part of his body, & his head just flopped to the side. I rushed him to the shelter, & stroked his tiny little head all the way there, cause he would cry occasionally. I knew he was dying & wanted him to know he wasn't alone. I tried to hold his tiny little paw, but it was so cold. His body temp dropped really low, & his gums & mouth & nose were white. I called a friend of mine who is a vet, & he told me that none of that was good. They could have feline distemper, but I REALLY hope not. That's bad stuff. I had to just drop Larry off at the shelter, & since the medical staff had already left for the day, they took him to a private vet. They said I should know more tomorrow, & while it's unlikely they can save him, at least they may be able to find out WHY these little guys died. MAYBE it's just because they were the runts. The mortality rate of orhaned kittens is, sadly, very high. I was told they rarely make it. But for some reason, I was just SURE mine would survive, if purely through the amount of love I would give them.

Of course, I feel responsible. I know, honestly, I am not. The other 5 are doing great & getting bigger every day! I just truly hope it's not something that they ALL have, that's going to kill them off, one by one. I would be beside myself. These tiny little babies...dependent entirely on me. I AM their mom, as far as they know. They are my responsibility.

This has been a sad experience, but it's a good one, too. I am TRYING to help. I am doing all I can. I am so broke right now, I cannot do what I'd normally do, which is to donate money to animal charities. I HAVE no money to donate. I can't even pay my own bills (& yet, every time I go to PetsMart, I still donate a $1 to their cause!). But donate TIME & LOVE, that I CAN do! The shelter provides the food, a blanket, medical care, etc. I just provide my time, attention, & love. Piece of cake. These little guys have a chance to get adopted & get a great, loving forever home. *I* gave them this chance. Every foster gives the babies a chance.

I would HIGHLY suggest to ANYONE to foster baby animals IF you are in a situation where you can. I am fortunate to have a job where I get a lot of breaks, & there used to be a petting zoo at Knott's, & there are still some cages back where the zoo was, AND there are on-farm cats there, too! I'm able to take them to work with me. It's 2 months of your life. Not easy, not remotely. You make a lot of sacrifces. Forget having a social life. Luckily, I was a hermit already, so it's perfect for my lifestyle. But when I take them to work...if my co-workers want to grab dinner after work....I can't. I have kittens with me, can't take them in restaurants. And SOOOO many people are allergic to cats, I have to be careful where I take them, out of consideration for others. When I need to run to Wal-Mart to get stuff, I drag a friend along with me to watch the kitties in the car for 15 minutes. My friends are being really awesome about helping me out. It's a lot of work & sacrifice...but SOOOO worth it!

Far too many people don't feel animals are worth the trouble. I find it difficult to swallow that when it's Christians talking. They will say humans are the superior beings, & animals don't matter....but if you believe in God, then we are ALL God's creatures, correct? We all get an equal opportunity at life, right? The abundance of stray dogs & cats, the blame for that can all be placed squarely on the shoulders of HUMANS. Animals depend on us to take care of them. It's our duty to care for them, get them the help they need, & spay & neuter them. It's our duty. If we spayed & neutered our pets, and kept cats indoors & dogs securely fenced, we wouldn't have this problem. Over 300,000 dogs & cats are euthanized EVERY YEAR in Los Angeles ALONE, simply because no one wants them. How sad is that? They didn't ask to be born. But they ARE born, & then no one finds them cute....or they are unhealthy, being born on the streets, etc. Not their fault. HUMAN'S fault! We OWE it to animals to do right by them. They need our help.

Please.....foster some orphaned babies if you can, & if you can't, donate to a shelter or a rescue group or the ASPCA or Human Society, etc.....even if that means you donate to them & not to me. :-)

Woot!

2008-05-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

I got a donation! Yipppeeee!

A very nice guy donated $5, & says he plans to donate $5 each month! That's amazing! If I could get a few hundred people to donate $5 a month--or even $1 a month--I'd be able to take some major lessons! New headshots! Etc!

What a nice guy! Someone believes in my dream, believes in helping me! It just makes me feel great!

I'm prolly going to be changing my dream around a bit. I just can't afford to stay in California anymore. It's overcrowded here, & prices are insane, for everything. I'm looking at moving to Nashville to pursue singing. I'm hoping, in my dream world, that I will make it in singing, & be able to crossover into acting....so I will resume that dream someday. But I do love to sing, & some people say I'm pretty good....I think with a good teacher I could be great, & get a manager/contract. It would just be so much cheaper to live in Nashville (or just outside of) than living here. I'm just being so drained....financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.

So I'm not giving up the dream....I will DIE dreaming....but I need to twist it a bit....

Thanks to the guy who donated (I'm not posting your name for privacy reasons!)!!!! Thanks for lifting my heart! :-)

No news

2008-04-14T23:15:00.001-07:00

Still no donations. Still sick. Can't get rid of this cough, & it's wrecking my vocal cords. Want to be healthy, want to be happy. Looking for a new job, no clue what it will be....

No good news

2008-04-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

No donations.

I'm very sick, in bed. Missing work all week, which I cannot afford to do. But I have laryngitis, & I cannot sing/talk at work with no voice! I don't have a choice but to miss work. If I drove all the way down there, they'd just send me home, & then I'd be bitter over the wasted drive. My show opens Saturday night, I have rehearsals tonight & Thursday, & no damn voice. This is ridiculous. What's with this timing? And I'm getting sick WAY too often. I've been eating better, taking vitamins, & I exercise every day. I get plenty of sleep. I don't understand. I think the depression my seizure meds have caused has depleted my immune system, which was never spectacular to start.

Still planning a move to Nashville.

Old video

2008-04-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here's me singing in a talent show. This is a few years ago, when I had long blonde hair & a better body. :-)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wmsN4FK4rF0

No donations today, Sunday April 7th.

2008-04-06T20:05:00.001-07:00

No donations today. This is what I'm going to start posting every day. It's been mentioned that I don't update enough, & I know I don't, but when I'm not getting any donations....therefore, not taking any classes, etc.....there's really nothing to say, right? I can't remember the last donation I had for this site. No one donates.

I'm probably going to be leaving California. I can't afford the dream anymore.

Down

2007-11-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Times are bad.

I have no money. Due to some errors with my bank account, I'm almost negative $500. I have $2000 in bills due NOW...actually, yesterday. Rent, car insurance, car payment, electricity, cellphone, etc. To say I have no money for food nor to put gas in my car is an understatement. I'm lucky I have a semi-fresh loaf of bread here & peanut butter & jelly. I can live on that for a while.

I don't understand what's going on--or NOT going on--with this site. My webmaster tells me I'm getting close to 2000 visitors to my site a month. 2000! If 2000 people agreed to donate $1 a month--just one freakin' dollar each, even *I* can afford $1 a month to help someone--that would be a huge help. My job isn't cutting it, & I am sometimes working 6-7 days a week. Everyone helpfully suggests I get a second job, and I have picked up applications, but I really can't. My neuro docs have told me that with less than 8 hours of sleep a night, I can have a seizure. All this seizure crap has me totally paranoid, & I'm a terrible worrywart to begin with. From dancing for 34 years, I have a bad knee, a bad ankle, & a HORRIBLY painful hip. I can't dance all day & then go to some sort of crummy night job where I have to stand all night. I'd never survive. And most importantly, when would I sleep? I know, aside from seizures, that my health in general doesn't do well with lack of sleep. I've never had a strong immune system.

And boy, my stress level isn't helping at all.

I have to survive this struggle for 7+ more months. My best friend is moving in in June. I'm not thrilled at the aspect of having someone around all the time, but if it's got to be anyone, it needs to be her. And I need the rent cut in half. And utilities. Somewhere around that same time, I might be done paying off my car.....my car that needs $1200 in repairs to function & has to last me indefinitely. That would be a MASSIVE burden off my monthly shoulders. $350/mo. It's killing me. It didn't get paid yet this month. Yep, they could take it. And then I'm really screwed. I cannot work without a car, & I certainly wouldn't be able to go on all those auditions that I am SURE I will eventually get. Not to mention how much damn money I have put into that car just to lose it. Despite needing the repairs, it's the best car I've ever had. Beat up & battered, but great. It took 113K miles to need such repairs. That's impressive.

I need money to continue pursuing this dream. No, not money to spend frivilously. To SURVIVE. Right now, I would consider money going to rent, cellphone, car, and gas career necessities. I'm not going to get cast in anything if I'm homeless. Can't work at all without a car. I need money to get new headshots made, since I've changed my hair. My friend Mark will take them for free, but I still have to have them printed up AND pay postage to submit them to agents & casting directors. I'm not going to get any further in this field without an agent. I've got a great smile, I could be doing toothpaste commercials right now! There's so many things I *could* be doing right now. I'm not a beauty, but I'm not too shabby. I'm not Meryl Streep, but I'm not too shabby. I CAN MAKE IT!

Why doesn't anyone believe in me? Why doesn't anyone want to help me?

People gave $20K+ to that lady to pay off her frivilous credit card bills. Basically, they bought her a new wardrobe & CDs, etc.

I'm asking for people to help me achieve a lifelong dream. To be part of a dream coming true. To know they helped someone out who was severely struggling. Yes, I understand there are better causes than me. Heck, maybe people are viewing my site, then going to my links page, & donating to cancer or seizure research or to help animals. That would be great. But would $1 a month harm most people's pocketbook?

Forget money, why aren't agents, casting directors, people with connections in the business helping me? There have to be such people reading this site or hearing about it. Throw a sista a bone, call me in for a reading, sign me, etc. Agree to train me! Help me out!

What I find most depressing is what people will do to help in other ways, other causes.

People will spend hundreds, thousands on porn. People will pay $30/mo or more to join porn/camgirl sites. $30/mo to watch a girl naked. People will donate money to buy strangers a stripper pole. Really sweet sentiment, no denying that. But I'm pursuing a dream here! Granted, you won't get to see my naked, won't get to see my writhe on a stripper pole, won't get to see me having sex, but come on......is someone's worthy dream not a good cause, too? If you can afford to spend $30/mo on porn, you can afford to donate $1/mo to this site. If I put up a site where I had cams installed around my house, got naked on camera, showered on cam, etc....I could raise more money than THIS site which is trying for something legit. I don't get people. I don't get their priorities. It's more important to see a strange girl naked than to help a strange girl reach a dream and MAYBE do some good in the world? I'm going to make the world better!

You'll never see me in a rehab. I don't do drugs nor drink, & never will. Fame/fortune won't ever change that. The charities I will be able to help with success....not just with monetary donations, but by putting a famous face to the cause.

But no one wants to help me because I'm not taking off my clothes on this site. Because they don't "get anything" out of helping me. I don't "get anything" out of donating to the Humane Society, but I donate anyway, because it makes me feel good to help. I'm not directly getting anything out of donating to MS or seizure research, but I do what I can to help, anyway. Aren't there any people out there like me, who do things for nothing, just because it feels good to help?

If you aren't sure where the money is going, if you question this site, then go buy one of my t-shirts & publicize the site. Do SOMETHING to help me.

I'm losing hope. Quickly. And I'm about to lose electricity, my car, my home, etc.

Eternal gratitude to any of those who HAVE donated, EVERYTHING helps. I have yet to spend anything donated, but once I get new pics taken, I might use some money donated to get the new headshots printed up. I also, truly, appreciate those who cannot afford to donate, but who write in support. It means a lot to me to hear from any of you.

Donation!

2007-07-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so stoked right now! I'm beside myself!

I got my first real donation today! Not to diminish any of the donations I've gotten--cause ALL are appreciated--but by "real;" I mean from someone I don't know. You kinda expect or hope that your friends will donate, but when a stranger does, it just touches your heart. I'm gonna be in trouble if I end up knowing the guy, but I don't recognize the name. $100 from a generous soul named Todd! I can't believe it! That's enough money to pay to have new headshots printed up! I'm stunned! I was a good girl, too, & immediately put the money in my "sharing a dream" fund, even though I am behind on tons of bills & could have used it for bills....but I didn't. I put it in the fund it was meant for. I'm not known for my wisdom with money, so yeah, that's actually a big deal for me. But I want this site to work! I want strangers to help me reach my dream! I KNOW it's possible! I know that with the help of strangers, I can finally make it! I hope this is the first of many donations, & that this site is finally going to take off!

Thank you Mr. Wonderful, Todd! I truly, truly appreciate your very generous donation! :-D

Frustration!

2007-06-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while.

I haven't had anything to report.

To date, I have gotten donations of about $30, not enough to even get headshots printed up.

A couple of days ago, I had a guy email me just to say, "Sounds like just another scam to me." What is the scam, dude? You give me money, I buy new clothes? I have pictures of me from movies, I have an article from a magazine I was in (about a movie I am in), and you can look me up on google or imdb.com. It's blatantly obvious, unless you are an idiot, that I am a real person with a very real dream, struggling just like everyone else in this crazy world.

I had such hopes for this site. I am very surprised that so many people stop by & look at this site, & almost no one donates. Not even one friggin dollar. And then I think back to that lady who got complete strangers to donate like $20,000 for her credit card debt....and no one will donate one friggin' dollar to help someone achieve a dream...someone who plans to do good things in the world.

It's really frustrating.

"Georgia Rule" came & left. I don't think I remained in the film. I think that's lame--while understanding the business--because I was in the magazine as a character in the film, & then was cut out of the film....and it cut all of, what, 10 seconds off the movie? Lame. PLUS, the director's adorable granddaughter was in the scene with me. Now, I admit, I don't know for sure that I ended up on the cutting room floor, but a friend went to see it, was looking for me, had seen pics, & didn't see me. I was also, not gonna lie, extremely disappointed that my name wasn't put in the credits. I saw people who had smaller roles than me (if that's possible) in the credits. There was like, "woman on crutches." But no "Potato Queen." Very disappointing. Especially considering that my lines were ALSO cut out of "PD1," & yet my name remained in the credits. I guess if I was cut out completely it makes more sense.

Don't mind me, I'm just bitter. I'm grateful for the one day role I had. I had fun that day, & it was so cool being a beauty queen, since I am not exactly a beauty queen! Every girl likes to wear a tiara. I'm most grateful for the money I made that day. I was painfull struggling at the time, so it was a great relief.

I just wish this career would move forward. I need new headshots...which I actually had taken, but can't spare the money to print them up. I can't afford classes. I can't afford jack poop.

I just remain stunned & saddened that people will help a woman pay off her credit card debt from buying frivilous things, & no one will donate to someone struggling to achieve a dream & bring positive things to the world. It doesn't make sense in my head.

But then, I've always been different. *shrug*

excitement!

2007-01-15T21:28:00.002-08:00

I was waiting for Amber at the airport, when I saw someone I thought I recognized someone. I went back and forth as to whether it was really her or not.

Well, it was! And I was super excited! It was someone who was a total inspiration to me in this business.

Guess who it was?

Guess!

Debbie frickin Reynolds! Holy cow! I kid you not! Ohmigosh! I grew up watching "Singin in the Rain.". She's one of the reasons I wanted this career! She IS the original "triple threat.". She's phenomenal!

So I walk up, calmly, as to not attract unwanted attention to her. I said, "I love your work!". She thanked me, and I said I was a struggling actress, and she said, "It's a tough business!". I said, "Yes, m'am, it is, but you were my inspiration.". I kinda sensed she wanted to be left alone, so I finished up with, "Thank you for the honor of allowing us to enjoy your talent.". She smiled and thanked me again, and I left her alone. She is still lovely and spectacular, she just seemed a bit tired (aren't we all, after a day of flying!) and frail. She was using a crutch, so I guess she was injured.

It seemed sad to me that more people seemed to recognize DL Hughley than the iconic Debbie Reynolds. Either that or people in Burbank are jaded when they are celebs, and people in the South get all excited. I understand that DL is current and Debbie is old school. But everyone should know Ms. Reynolds! She's an icon! She's a goddess! She's brilliant! Hellooo? She wasn't exactly from MY generation, either, but damn straight I know who she is! It just made me sad that I seemed to be the only person to acknowledge her. But maybe I was just the only person geeky enough to approach her! When I got in the car, I told Amber, "Don't look now, but that woman behind me is Debbie Reynolds!". As we pulled away from the curb, she looked at me again, and I waved goodbye, and she waved back! That just made my month! What a wonderful moment for a girl like me!

excitement!

2007-01-15T21:28:00.001-08:00

2007-01-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck in the Dallas airport. My flight was delayed in AL, and then I had a decent sized layover here, then they moved our gate, and now we are delayed. *sigh*

I'm looking forward to getting back and getting to losing weight. I am tired of being chubby. I detest my muffin top. I am inspired by my sister's weight loss. I never thought I'd see her thin, she was always bigger than me, and here she is, a size 4. I'm far from a 4. A size 4 would be a dream come true for me, but heck, that's still prolly too big for Hollywood. I gotta get to it. I need to lose weight before I take new headshots.

Saw DL Hughley at the Bham airport. Gave him my sharingadream.com biz card. I hope he wasn't offended by that. He seemed real nice. He's quite handsome, too. It would be awesome if he'd either donate a little and/or spread the word about my site. I hope he finds it intriguing. I pray that he remembers what it's like to struggle, and that he might want to help someone struggling behind him. Heck, I pray he just looks at the site...he might have promptly thrown the card in the trash!

I have to do what I can. I cannot know shame. This is my dream, and I will fight for it!

2007-01-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

I'm bummin' a little. Amber has made some AWESOME, cool, hip designs. Even my friend, Don, made a design, a take-off of the SNL cowbell joke. Great stuff...but no one is buying anything. Again, it's not like I get much from the sales. Some things are only marked up $0.50, the most is $3...but it's the walking publicity I want so badly. And this stuff is really cute/cool. There's even stuff for guys...stuff for "Hot Topic" types, & more to come. No one is buying. I need to get the word out. When I get back from my trip to Alabama, Team Cassie is going to have to go into serious publicity overdrive.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

I am really looking forward to this year, 2007! I really feel like this site will eventually take off, once word gets out. I can't wait to take acting and singing lessons again, dance classes, trapeze class, etc. I am so looking forward to expanding my training!

I definitely need to figure out ways to publicize the site and the store more. Amber has come up with these amazing designs, and the clothes and stuff look soooo cool, but no one is buying anything. I had 2 friends buy stuff, one man whose name I didn't recognize (thank you sir!), and the rest of the sales have been me. The clothes look so cool, we just need traffic going to the store. I need a radio or TV station doing a story, a newspaper, all of the above. Anyone reading this, please help out where you can, word of mouth is powerful! There's a $10 shirt on my Cafe Press site, buy it, wear it proudly, make people ask about the site! You now have at least 4 different choices of designs! Heck, buy a $2 Cassie button, wear that on everything!

My fund doesn't make much profit from the sales of the Cafe Press items, but it's the fact that people would be walking around publicizing the site on their shirts, hats, bumper stickers, etc. That's what I need, in this beginning stage.

2006-12-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

Not much new to report today. Got a $5 donation, a $1 donation, & 2 $2 donations. YAY! Won't pay for any classes, but every little bit is gonna add up eventually! My friend Scott took over my site & it looks great. David did such an awesome job getting it started. Where would I be without my awesome friends? Someone bought a golf shirt today. I get SOOOO happy & excited when I see that someone has bought a Cassie item.

Amber is working on new designs. We still have to get the transparent one done for black clothing, but we are also coming up with a sporty design & a more macho design (will prolly be the same as the sporty design, but maybe in different colors for the boys).

2006-12-25T21:48:00.000-08:00

Nothing to report today. Sent out a bunch of emails to trusted friends, telling about the site. I explained that it was in a very basic form. I contacted a friend from Europe, hoping he'd tell his friends back there, a friend from South Africa, hoping he'd tell his friends back there, & a friend who is visiting & eventually moving to Germany, hoping she can spread the word over there. This needs to go international.

2006-12-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

Trying to figure out all this graphics stuff. Amber is my graphics "go-to" gal. I don't know how to do it in the first place, but I don't have the programs to do it, either. I got a cheap version of Microsoft Publisher (what she uses), but I will still have to figure out how to design stuff, if it even works decently. Publisher is soooo expensive.

I am trying to learn how to make something for a black or dark background. All the graphics we have on Cafe Press right now are for white backgrounds. She's prolly gonna be the one to do it, but dangit, I am sure gonna try to figure it out. I have Photoshop Elements, & they give a tutorial on how to do it in that program, so I'm going to try tomorrow, since I have Xmas Day off to sit around & do nothing (thank you Jesus!). Might as well try to be productive.

We also need to come up with some "macho" graphics....maybe the exact same design, but in black. The eyes might be too "sissy la-la" for some men, too, but that just might be too bad. The eyes are kinda my thing. And let's face it...any REAL man would be proud to wear pink. :-)

2006-12-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

Well, there hasn't been much to blog about yet. The site JUST got up to a decent degree on Friday. I made one sale today, that made me abundantly happy! I signed up to get a text when I sell something, & man, when I got that text, I was sooooo excited! It's not like I am making any huge profit. $3 of every item sold go to the sharingadream.com fund. That's not a whopping profit, & that's not money that goes into my pocket to play with, either. That's money towards the dream. What excites me is the thought of people wearing something to publicize my site. The thought of people walking around everywhere with a Cassie logo item....that makes me smile ear to ear.

I expect this to all be very slow going at first.

Testing!

2006-12-14T23:58:00.000-08:00

Just testing out my new blog! Testing....one, two, three, four....testing!