No update since May!

Shame on me!

*sigh*

I don't even know where to begin for an update.

I'm on temporary disability right now. On the 23rd of September, I had another grand mal/tonic-clonic seizure. This one was particularly disturbing because they were supposed to be completely controlled. I'm not taking these meds that make me sooo sick just to keep having seizures. When I had this seizure, people assumed I had just stopped taking my meds. I was pretty incredulous. Like, oh yeah, seizures are SUCH fun, I *truly* want to have as many as possible, so I'll just stop taking the meds. Duh. My neurologist said, "Were you taking your meds?" Ummm, yeah. Twice a day. I'm not exhausted every day for no reason. My aunt and uncle thought I had stopped taking them cause they were making me fat. Ummmm....do I look skinny??? I AM totally chubby!! If I stopped taking the meds to get thin, that sure didn't work! Whoops! Guess my effort to get thin resulted in a seizure! *blink* Come on, people. I hate being chubby, but I would exercise like a fiend before I'd risk having seizures. Let me tell you something....these flopping around like a fish episodes are NOT fun! I always get pretty badly injured after each one. I get so angry when I read all the phamplets that say epilepsy isn't dangerous. Bullshit. I've gotten hurt every damn time. Not *majorly*, but enough! After the first one, I had a horrible bruise that took up the entire backside of my thigh, had almost bitten my tongue off. I couldn't feel the tip of my tongue for months. After the second seizure, I hurt my back, shoulder, tongue again, chipped my tooth, and needed 8 staples in my head. After the 3rd seizure, I badly hurt my shoulder, back, bit my tongue again, and needed 10 staples in my head. This time, I hurt my neck and back, and badly hurt my tongue this time. My tongue hurt sooo bad for a week! I had to go to the ER and the Urgent Care...over a hurt tongue! Oh yeah, I also scraped my face after the 2nd one, and I'm sure I had random bruises and scratches after each one. If I had been alone during one of those head injuries...I would have bled out and died. Don't tell ME that seizures aren't dangerous!

I'm frustrated with my doctor cause he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously. I have over a month off work, and instead of running serious tests on my stupid brain, he's not doing squat. He's running a blood test to check the med results on my liver, whoop-dee-doo. I need a brain wave test, an MRI, etc. I was supposed to be "cured" on the meds.

The doc said he'd double my meds. But get, that doubles the somnulance. Wtf? I'm already a virtual zombie! How could I be twice a zombie?? So he put me on a new one in addition to my current one...and now I'm twice the zombie. Literally...I wake up...and I'm not sure why I bother. The moment I wake up, I want to go back to sleep. I want naps throughout the day. I'm sooo sleepy by 7PM, even if I HAVE had naps. I can't stay up through my 10PM shows! And that's after 8-12 hours of sleep at night! How in the hell am I going to hold down a regular job when I need 3 naps a day?? This is ridiculous.

On to better thoughts....I'm fostering again. Only 5 kittens this time. How many I had last time almost killed me. I didn't want to even get this many, but this many were "critical." Two black, 2 orange, 1 fluffy gray with attitude. I think 4 are boys. They are still at that "critical" size and age where I am worried about their health/lives. I'm pulling for them. One seems pretty sickly. One was all bones, but he's eating like a damn pig now, and fattening up. He was being bullied by the kittens he was caged with at the shelter, so maybe he just wasn't eating. He is now! I hope they all pull through, but I know better than to expect that. I have them in my bathroom this time. I go in there and take my naps in the bathtub, so that I can spend time with them. A couple of them are able to get into the tub with me. The others, I will wake up and find them all curled up together, sleeping, on the toilet seat, just so they could watch me. They were so scared of me at first, and now they are totally used to me. They are purring already.

So I'm planning on moving to Texas. I love California. I never thought I'd leave. I never thought I'd give up my Hollywood dream. I'm not giving up the acting/singing dream entirely. I hope that, where I end up, I will be able to do local commercials, and sing in bars and stuff. Where I want to move has old time saloons. Maybe I can get a singing job in one. That would be so wonderful. I'm not in this for the fame and fortune, I'm in this because I love to perform. I can still record a CD and try to sell it. Don't have to be in LA for that.

No one (okay, very few people) wanted to help me with my dream, and I just can't afford it any more. I have to move someplace cheaper. I have to try other things, make new dreams, try new paths.