Shame on me!
*sigh*
I don't even know where to begin for an update.
I'm on temporary disability right now. On the 23rd of September, I had another grand mal/tonic-clonic seizure. This one was particularly disturbing because they were supposed to be completely controlled. I'm not taking these meds that make me sooo sick just to keep having seizures. When I had this seizure, people assumed I had just stopped taking my meds. I was pretty incredulous. Like, oh yeah, seizures are SUCH fun, I *truly* want to have as many as possible, so I'll just stop taking the meds. Duh. My neurologist said, "Were you taking your meds?" Ummm, yeah. Twice a day. I'm not exhausted every day for no reason. My aunt and uncle thought I had stopped taking them cause they were making me fat. Ummmm....do I look skinny??? I AM totally chubby!! If I stopped taking the meds to get thin, that sure didn't work! Whoops! Guess my effort to get thin resulted in a seizure! *blink* Come on, people. I hate being chubby, but I would exercise like a fiend before I'd risk having seizures. Let me tell you something....these flopping around like a fish episodes are NOT fun! I always get pretty badly injured after each one. I get so angry when I read all the phamplets that say epilepsy isn't dangerous. Bullshit. I've gotten hurt every damn time. Not *majorly*, but enough! After the first one, I had a horrible bruise that took up the entire backside of my thigh, had almost bitten my tongue off. I couldn't feel the tip of my tongue for months. After the second seizure, I hurt my back, shoulder, tongue again, chipped my tooth, and needed 8 staples in my head. After the 3rd seizure, I badly hurt my shoulder, back, bit my tongue again, and needed 10 staples in my head. This time, I hurt my neck and back, and badly hurt my tongue this time. My tongue hurt sooo bad for a week! I had to go to the ER and the Urgent Care...over a hurt tongue! Oh yeah, I also scraped my face after the 2nd one, and I'm sure I had random bruises and scratches after each one. If I had been alone during one of those head injuries...I would have bled out and died. Don't tell ME that seizures aren't dangerous!
I'm frustrated with my doctor cause he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously. I have over a month off work, and instead of running serious tests on my stupid brain, he's not doing squat. He's running a blood test to check the med results on my liver, whoop-dee-doo. I need a brain wave test, an MRI, etc. I was supposed to be "cured" on the meds.
The doc said he'd double my meds. But get, that doubles the somnulance. Wtf? I'm already a virtual zombie! How could I be twice a zombie?? So he put me on a new one in addition to my current one...and now I'm twice the zombie. Literally...I wake up...and I'm not sure why I bother. The moment I wake up, I want to go back to sleep. I want naps throughout the day. I'm sooo sleepy by 7PM, even if I HAVE had naps. I can't stay up through my 10PM shows! And that's after 8-12 hours of sleep at night! How in the hell am I going to hold down a regular job when I need 3 naps a day?? This is ridiculous.
On to better thoughts....I'm fostering again. Only 5 kittens this time. How many I had last time almost killed me. I didn't want to even get this many, but this many were "critical." Two black, 2 orange, 1 fluffy gray with attitude. I think 4 are boys. They are still at that "critical" size and age where I am worried about their health/lives. I'm pulling for them. One seems pretty sickly. One was all bones, but he's eating like a damn pig now, and fattening up. He was being bullied by the kittens he was caged with at the shelter, so maybe he just wasn't eating. He is now! I hope they all pull through, but I know better than to expect that. I have them in my bathroom this time. I go in there and take my naps in the bathtub, so that I can spend time with them. A couple of them are able to get into the tub with me. The others, I will wake up and find them all curled up together, sleeping, on the toilet seat, just so they could watch me. They were so scared of me at first, and now they are totally used to me. They are purring already.
So I'm planning on moving to Texas. I love California. I never thought I'd leave. I never thought I'd give up my Hollywood dream. I'm not giving up the acting/singing dream entirely. I hope that, where I end up, I will be able to do local commercials, and sing in bars and stuff. Where I want to move has old time saloons. Maybe I can get a singing job in one. That would be so wonderful. I'm not in this for the fame and fortune, I'm in this because I love to perform. I can still record a CD and try to sell it. Don't have to be in LA for that.
No one (okay, very few people) wanted to help me with my dream, and I just can't afford it any more. I have to move someplace cheaper. I have to try other things, make new dreams, try new paths.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Update
No updates for the site in particular. No new donations. Still planning to move to Nashville and pursue a singing career.
I've been busy with the kittens the last 3 weeks or so. It's been so wonderful, rewarding, and sad. I am fostering 18 kittens from the shelter. I started with 24. That's sad. I have no clue what's wrong with them. My understanding is that orphaned kittens rarely survive. If they didn't get their mother's milk in the first few hours of life, they don't get important antibodies that they need. Parvo tests have been negative, so all I can guess is that the weaker ones are dying from the URI, just unable to fight it. Sammy was the first to die, then Larry, then Gilligan, Amy, Socks, and Jenny. It was unexplicably sad...to watch something so small die in your hands...or come home and find a dead kitten...sooo awful. I should have been able to monitor them better, but Knott's Berry Farm gave me permission to bring them to work with me...then took permission away. Jerks. Not very charity minded.
This is a great way for me to help. It costs me very little. I'm saving lives. All 24 kittens would have been euthanized, so if any survive, I've done well...not that it's really up to me. The remaining 18 are doing really well right now. There were 7 ferals to begin with. Mouse couldn't be considered feral any more. Salem, Stewie, and Simon got acclimated to me right away (just don't bother them while they're eating!), Wooot is coming along, Tiger has calmed by leaps and bounds, so it's really only Tarzan and Jane I need to socialize the most. Ironically, they get along great with the other kittens, they are just scared of me. I don't blame them, considering how much bigger I am to them.
I just feel so fulfilled when I go in the kitten room and have a bunch of kittens crawling all over me. They are so sweet and so affectionate. Indy, Clark, Ginger, and Bear really think I'm mom. It's going to be hard to return them at the end of 2 months. Boo.
I hope to make some sort of name for myself, so that I can encourage others to be kitty foster moms/dads! It's such important work, esp if you like animals.
I've been busy with the kittens the last 3 weeks or so. It's been so wonderful, rewarding, and sad. I am fostering 18 kittens from the shelter. I started with 24. That's sad. I have no clue what's wrong with them. My understanding is that orphaned kittens rarely survive. If they didn't get their mother's milk in the first few hours of life, they don't get important antibodies that they need. Parvo tests have been negative, so all I can guess is that the weaker ones are dying from the URI, just unable to fight it. Sammy was the first to die, then Larry, then Gilligan, Amy, Socks, and Jenny. It was unexplicably sad...to watch something so small die in your hands...or come home and find a dead kitten...sooo awful. I should have been able to monitor them better, but Knott's Berry Farm gave me permission to bring them to work with me...then took permission away. Jerks. Not very charity minded.
This is a great way for me to help. It costs me very little. I'm saving lives. All 24 kittens would have been euthanized, so if any survive, I've done well...not that it's really up to me. The remaining 18 are doing really well right now. There were 7 ferals to begin with. Mouse couldn't be considered feral any more. Salem, Stewie, and Simon got acclimated to me right away (just don't bother them while they're eating!), Wooot is coming along, Tiger has calmed by leaps and bounds, so it's really only Tarzan and Jane I need to socialize the most. Ironically, they get along great with the other kittens, they are just scared of me. I don't blame them, considering how much bigger I am to them.
I just feel so fulfilled when I go in the kitten room and have a bunch of kittens crawling all over me. They are so sweet and so affectionate. Indy, Clark, Ginger, and Bear really think I'm mom. It's going to be hard to return them at the end of 2 months. Boo.
I hope to make some sort of name for myself, so that I can encourage others to be kitty foster moms/dads! It's such important work, esp if you like animals.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
And then there were 5.....
I'm currently fostering bottle baby kittens for a shelter. I raise them & love them & socialize them til they are 2.5 months old or 2.5 pounds, then I take them to the shelter, & they adopt them out (hopefully).
I was given 7 kittens, 2 were runts. The healthier kittens have been thriving...growing, eating solid food, playing. The runts never grew, never played, never got any better.
The first runt, Sammy, died a few nights ago. Man....heartbreaking. I came home from work & he was near death. He wasn't moving, barely breathing. It is so tragic to watch something so tiny die in front of you. He only had 4 weeks to experience life. I'm somewhat happy that at least he had an abundance of love & attention for almost 2 weeks. He died loved. He KNEW love. If they don't find fosters for the orphans, they will likely be euthanized. So I saved 7 lives by fostering them.
The second runt, Larry, died tonight. He has been lethargic since I got him. He cried all the time, never played, didn't grow at all. But we had just been with the kittens 2 hours prior to finding him near death. I have been taking the kittens to work every day with me, so I can keep an eye on them. We visit them after almost every show. They're still at the age where they sleep a lot. They will run around & play for 15-20 minutes, & then they're ready for a nap! Very much like me! :-) So we went to our break room to let them nap, then did a show, then went back to get them to go home, & Larry wasn't moving. This was the exact same way Sammy died. When I picked him up, he was like a ragdoll. He couldn't move any part of his body, & his head just flopped to the side. I rushed him to the shelter, & stroked his tiny little head all the way there, cause he would cry occasionally. I knew he was dying & wanted him to know he wasn't alone. I tried to hold his tiny little paw, but it was so cold. His body temp dropped really low, & his gums & mouth & nose were white. I called a friend of mine who is a vet, & he told me that none of that was good. They could have feline distemper, but I REALLY hope not. That's bad stuff. I had to just drop Larry off at the shelter, & since the medical staff had already left for the day, they took him to a private vet. They said I should know more tomorrow, & while it's unlikely they can save him, at least they may be able to find out WHY these little guys died. MAYBE it's just because they were the runts. The mortality rate of orhaned kittens is, sadly, very high. I was told they rarely make it. But for some reason, I was just SURE mine would survive, if purely through the amount of love I would give them.
Of course, I feel responsible. I know, honestly, I am not. The other 5 are doing great & getting bigger every day! I just truly hope it's not something that they ALL have, that's going to kill them off, one by one. I would be beside myself. These tiny little babies...dependent entirely on me. I AM their mom, as far as they know. They are my responsibility.
This has been a sad experience, but it's a good one, too. I am TRYING to help. I am doing all I can. I am so broke right now, I cannot do what I'd normally do, which is to donate money to animal charities. I HAVE no money to donate. I can't even pay my own bills (& yet, every time I go to PetsMart, I still donate a $1 to their cause!). But donate TIME & LOVE, that I CAN do! The shelter provides the food, a blanket, medical care, etc. I just provide my time, attention, & love. Piece of cake. These little guys have a chance to get adopted & get a great, loving forever home. *I* gave them this chance. Every foster gives the babies a chance.
I would HIGHLY suggest to ANYONE to foster baby animals IF you are in a situation where you can. I am fortunate to have a job where I get a lot of breaks, & there used to be a petting zoo at Knott's, & there are still some cages back where the zoo was, AND there are on-farm cats there, too! I'm able to take them to work with me. It's 2 months of your life. Not easy, not remotely. You make a lot of sacrifces. Forget having a social life. Luckily, I was a hermit already, so it's perfect for my lifestyle. But when I take them to work...if my co-workers want to grab dinner after work....I can't. I have kittens with me, can't take them in restaurants. And SOOOO many people are allergic to cats, I have to be careful where I take them, out of consideration for others. When I need to run to Wal-Mart to get stuff, I drag a friend along with me to watch the kitties in the car for 15 minutes. My friends are being really awesome about helping me out. It's a lot of work & sacrifice...but SOOOO worth it!
Far too many people don't feel animals are worth the trouble. I find it difficult to swallow that when it's Christians talking. They will say humans are the superior beings, & animals don't matter....but if you believe in God, then we are ALL God's creatures, correct? We all get an equal opportunity at life, right? The abundance of stray dogs & cats, the blame for that can all be placed squarely on the shoulders of HUMANS. Animals depend on us to take care of them. It's our duty to care for them, get them the help they need, & spay & neuter them. It's our duty. If we spayed & neutered our pets, and kept cats indoors & dogs securely fenced, we wouldn't have this problem. Over 300,000 dogs & cats are euthanized EVERY YEAR in Los Angeles ALONE, simply because no one wants them. How sad is that? They didn't ask to be born. But they ARE born, & then no one finds them cute....or they are unhealthy, being born on the streets, etc. Not their fault. HUMAN'S fault! We OWE it to animals to do right by them. They need our help.
Please.....foster some orphaned babies if you can, & if you can't, donate to a shelter or a rescue group or the ASPCA or Human Society, etc.....even if that means you donate to them & not to me. :-)
I was given 7 kittens, 2 were runts. The healthier kittens have been thriving...growing, eating solid food, playing. The runts never grew, never played, never got any better.
The first runt, Sammy, died a few nights ago. Man....heartbreaking. I came home from work & he was near death. He wasn't moving, barely breathing. It is so tragic to watch something so tiny die in front of you. He only had 4 weeks to experience life. I'm somewhat happy that at least he had an abundance of love & attention for almost 2 weeks. He died loved. He KNEW love. If they don't find fosters for the orphans, they will likely be euthanized. So I saved 7 lives by fostering them.
The second runt, Larry, died tonight. He has been lethargic since I got him. He cried all the time, never played, didn't grow at all. But we had just been with the kittens 2 hours prior to finding him near death. I have been taking the kittens to work every day with me, so I can keep an eye on them. We visit them after almost every show. They're still at the age where they sleep a lot. They will run around & play for 15-20 minutes, & then they're ready for a nap! Very much like me! :-) So we went to our break room to let them nap, then did a show, then went back to get them to go home, & Larry wasn't moving. This was the exact same way Sammy died. When I picked him up, he was like a ragdoll. He couldn't move any part of his body, & his head just flopped to the side. I rushed him to the shelter, & stroked his tiny little head all the way there, cause he would cry occasionally. I knew he was dying & wanted him to know he wasn't alone. I tried to hold his tiny little paw, but it was so cold. His body temp dropped really low, & his gums & mouth & nose were white. I called a friend of mine who is a vet, & he told me that none of that was good. They could have feline distemper, but I REALLY hope not. That's bad stuff. I had to just drop Larry off at the shelter, & since the medical staff had already left for the day, they took him to a private vet. They said I should know more tomorrow, & while it's unlikely they can save him, at least they may be able to find out WHY these little guys died. MAYBE it's just because they were the runts. The mortality rate of orhaned kittens is, sadly, very high. I was told they rarely make it. But for some reason, I was just SURE mine would survive, if purely through the amount of love I would give them.
Of course, I feel responsible. I know, honestly, I am not. The other 5 are doing great & getting bigger every day! I just truly hope it's not something that they ALL have, that's going to kill them off, one by one. I would be beside myself. These tiny little babies...dependent entirely on me. I AM their mom, as far as they know. They are my responsibility.
This has been a sad experience, but it's a good one, too. I am TRYING to help. I am doing all I can. I am so broke right now, I cannot do what I'd normally do, which is to donate money to animal charities. I HAVE no money to donate. I can't even pay my own bills (& yet, every time I go to PetsMart, I still donate a $1 to their cause!). But donate TIME & LOVE, that I CAN do! The shelter provides the food, a blanket, medical care, etc. I just provide my time, attention, & love. Piece of cake. These little guys have a chance to get adopted & get a great, loving forever home. *I* gave them this chance. Every foster gives the babies a chance.
I would HIGHLY suggest to ANYONE to foster baby animals IF you are in a situation where you can. I am fortunate to have a job where I get a lot of breaks, & there used to be a petting zoo at Knott's, & there are still some cages back where the zoo was, AND there are on-farm cats there, too! I'm able to take them to work with me. It's 2 months of your life. Not easy, not remotely. You make a lot of sacrifces. Forget having a social life. Luckily, I was a hermit already, so it's perfect for my lifestyle. But when I take them to work...if my co-workers want to grab dinner after work....I can't. I have kittens with me, can't take them in restaurants. And SOOOO many people are allergic to cats, I have to be careful where I take them, out of consideration for others. When I need to run to Wal-Mart to get stuff, I drag a friend along with me to watch the kitties in the car for 15 minutes. My friends are being really awesome about helping me out. It's a lot of work & sacrifice...but SOOOO worth it!
Far too many people don't feel animals are worth the trouble. I find it difficult to swallow that when it's Christians talking. They will say humans are the superior beings, & animals don't matter....but if you believe in God, then we are ALL God's creatures, correct? We all get an equal opportunity at life, right? The abundance of stray dogs & cats, the blame for that can all be placed squarely on the shoulders of HUMANS. Animals depend on us to take care of them. It's our duty to care for them, get them the help they need, & spay & neuter them. It's our duty. If we spayed & neutered our pets, and kept cats indoors & dogs securely fenced, we wouldn't have this problem. Over 300,000 dogs & cats are euthanized EVERY YEAR in Los Angeles ALONE, simply because no one wants them. How sad is that? They didn't ask to be born. But they ARE born, & then no one finds them cute....or they are unhealthy, being born on the streets, etc. Not their fault. HUMAN'S fault! We OWE it to animals to do right by them. They need our help.
Please.....foster some orphaned babies if you can, & if you can't, donate to a shelter or a rescue group or the ASPCA or Human Society, etc.....even if that means you donate to them & not to me. :-)
Woot!
I got a donation! Yipppeeee!
A very nice guy donated $5, & says he plans to donate $5 each month! That's amazing! If I could get a few hundred people to donate $5 a month--or even $1 a month--I'd be able to take some major lessons! New headshots! Etc!
What a nice guy! Someone believes in my dream, believes in helping me! It just makes me feel great!
I'm prolly going to be changing my dream around a bit. I just can't afford to stay in California anymore. It's overcrowded here, & prices are insane, for everything. I'm looking at moving to Nashville to pursue singing. I'm hoping, in my dream world, that I will make it in singing, & be able to crossover into acting....so I will resume that dream someday. But I do love to sing, & some people say I'm pretty good....I think with a good teacher I could be great, & get a manager/contract. It would just be so much cheaper to live in Nashville (or just outside of) than living here. I'm just being so drained....financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.
So I'm not giving up the dream....I will DIE dreaming....but I need to twist it a bit....
Thanks to the guy who donated (I'm not posting your name for privacy reasons!)!!!! Thanks for lifting my heart! :-)
A very nice guy donated $5, & says he plans to donate $5 each month! That's amazing! If I could get a few hundred people to donate $5 a month--or even $1 a month--I'd be able to take some major lessons! New headshots! Etc!
What a nice guy! Someone believes in my dream, believes in helping me! It just makes me feel great!
I'm prolly going to be changing my dream around a bit. I just can't afford to stay in California anymore. It's overcrowded here, & prices are insane, for everything. I'm looking at moving to Nashville to pursue singing. I'm hoping, in my dream world, that I will make it in singing, & be able to crossover into acting....so I will resume that dream someday. But I do love to sing, & some people say I'm pretty good....I think with a good teacher I could be great, & get a manager/contract. It would just be so much cheaper to live in Nashville (or just outside of) than living here. I'm just being so drained....financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.
So I'm not giving up the dream....I will DIE dreaming....but I need to twist it a bit....
Thanks to the guy who donated (I'm not posting your name for privacy reasons!)!!!! Thanks for lifting my heart! :-)
Monday, April 14, 2008
No news
Still no donations. Still sick. Can't get rid of this cough, & it's wrecking my vocal cords. Want to be healthy, want to be happy. Looking for a new job, no clue what it will be....
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
No good news
No donations.
I'm very sick, in bed. Missing work all week, which I cannot afford to do. But I have laryngitis, & I cannot sing/talk at work with no voice! I don't have a choice but to miss work. If I drove all the way down there, they'd just send me home, & then I'd be bitter over the wasted drive. My show opens Saturday night, I have rehearsals tonight & Thursday, & no damn voice. This is ridiculous. What's with this timing? And I'm getting sick WAY too often. I've been eating better, taking vitamins, & I exercise every day. I get plenty of sleep. I don't understand. I think the depression my seizure meds have caused has depleted my immune system, which was never spectacular to start.
Still planning a move to Nashville.
I'm very sick, in bed. Missing work all week, which I cannot afford to do. But I have laryngitis, & I cannot sing/talk at work with no voice! I don't have a choice but to miss work. If I drove all the way down there, they'd just send me home, & then I'd be bitter over the wasted drive. My show opens Saturday night, I have rehearsals tonight & Thursday, & no damn voice. This is ridiculous. What's with this timing? And I'm getting sick WAY too often. I've been eating better, taking vitamins, & I exercise every day. I get plenty of sleep. I don't understand. I think the depression my seizure meds have caused has depleted my immune system, which was never spectacular to start.
Still planning a move to Nashville.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Old video
Here's me singing in a talent show. This is a few years ago, when I had long blonde hair & a better body. :-)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wmsN4FK4rF0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wmsN4FK4rF0
No donations today, Sunday April 7th.
No donations today. This is what I'm going to start posting every day. It's been mentioned that I don't update enough, & I know I don't, but when I'm not getting any donations....therefore, not taking any classes, etc.....there's really nothing to say, right? I can't remember the last donation I had for this site. No one donates.
I'm probably going to be leaving California. I can't afford the dream anymore.
I'm probably going to be leaving California. I can't afford the dream anymore.
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