I don't want to play god.

Well, this is just crap.

I have to decide whether or not to put my 10 month old cat, Ginger, to sleep.

How the HELL am I supposed to make that decision? I tear up even as I write this, & at the mere thought of actually putting her to sleep.

To make matters worse, I plop down on the kitchen floor today to read my mail. Ginger comes over & curls up on my lap, purring away. Sweet as she can be, this cat. Hardly ever makes a sound, she's simply no trouble at all. She didn't want to get off my lap. At one point, I asked her, "Do you want to stay alive?" She meowed in response...the silent kitty, normally. Problem is, did that "meow" mean yes or no? And how am I supposed to figure that out???

By all accounts, Ginger should already be dead. She came from a very sick litter of 7. 4 died. One, Bear, was very healthy, & my theory is that Bear had a different dad than the rest of the litter, and the rest had a dad who was sick or a carrier, because the other 6 were sickly. The 4 smallest died, & Clark & Ginger fought & fought & fought to live. Clark almost died once, & while he fought back to survive his close call with death, he was never really the same. I'm confident he has mental issues. He's just not quite "right," it's just something I can tell. It's his behavior & also his eyes. He always has problems with his tummy, too. He's healthier than Ginger, but not by much.

Ginger almost died as a tiny kitten, but had SO much sheer determination to live. Then back in August, when she was not quite 6 months old, she had a bout with this remaining illness (something like mengioencephalitis, a by product of the panleukapenia that killed the rest of her family). That time, she lost all feeling in her hind end. She had no idea when she was pooping & peeing. She couldn't walk, but only drag herself around by her front paws. The look in her eyes was one of confusion & pure desperation, one of "help me!" I had to put her in diapers...which didn't stay on. She spent a night in the vet hospital, on an IV, & they had no clue what was wrong. They called the next day & asked me to come sit with her, because they think she had stopped eating purely out of depression. As soon as she saw me (and she was in isolation, in the same cage Dexter died in...alone), she perked up & started eating. The medications (antibiotics & steroids) made her better in a few days. I was told she may or may not have a relapse like this again.

Here we are, 4+ months later. Same thing, with slight variations. No paralyzation this time. This time, it's lethargy, sickly looking eyes, loss of appetite, & uncontrollable anal leakage....mucusy, extremely foul smelling stuff, & now green stuff. For instance, I just picked her up, & she leaked all over me. A lovely green liquid. Not pleasant, by any means, but I'm not concerned about what can be cleaned. I'm concerned about her & how she feels.

Both vets I have spoken to (my vet, Mark, & a vet that works with him & dealt with Ginger back in August) suggest I put her down. They say it's a quality of life issue. This can't, after all, be any fun for her. Dogs & cats rarely show any signs of illness until it's too late or until they've been suffering greatly. So, chances are, she was suffering for weeks before she started showing the signs. You can just tell by her eyes that she's in pain. It's so sad to make eye contact with her, cause she seems to be imploring me to help her, but is she saying, "Help me!" or is she saying, "Let me go"?

Today, when she cuddled up with me, I don't know if that was a goodbye, a last little cuddle before death...showing me she trusts me no matter what I do....she loves me no matter what I decide....or telling me that she doesn't want to lose me, that she wants to fight, wants to stay with me? She's suffering, yet she purrs when I touch her.

Having gone through so much, Ginger & I just have a bond. She doesn't let any other humans get near her, only me. She just loves me & trusts me. That makes this harder.

I've had her on the steroids for several days, & just thought maybe they weren't working alone, so I got the antibiotics yesterday, & she appeared to be getting a bit better. And then things happen like how she just leaked all over me. Her butt is horribly inflamed, & if I touch it with a tissue, she cries in pain. Every test they've run on her has been negative for anything, because the deadly diseases don't really have good tests, & rarely show up on anything. Back in August, after $300 in medical bills, all they had to show for it was that her white blood cell count was high, indicating an infection, but they didn't know what or where or why.

The vet's primary concern is that since we don't *really* know what is wrong with her--and possibly Clark--are they potentially making my other cats ill? Could whatever she has be contagious? They think it is best to put her down for many reasons....possible contagious issues, quality of life, suffering, etc. They think this is as good as it gets...her being "okay" for a few months, then getting sick & suffering every 3-6 months....for however long or short her life may be, & they don't think she'll live long, anyway. Not being this sickly. It will eventually take a toll on her little body.

Am I am evil bitch if I euthanize her? Or am I an evil bitch for watching her suffer when I could end it? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to suffer because I'm too selfish to let her go. I just feel like she fought soooo hard to survive this long, and won't die on her own, so how can *I* take her little life? She's only 10 months old! I had a hard enough time deciding whether it was right or wrong to put 17 year old Duncan to sleep! Dexter, I was fighting for, but he died on his own. The vets make it sound like I am cruel to keep her alive like this. Am I? I don't want to be cruel, but what if, after all the fighting she has done, she really doesn't want to die, & I kill her anyway? How awful is that? I know it won't happen, but I have visions of her being on the "Rainbow Bridge" looking down on me, saying, "Mom, why did you kill me? I wanted to stay with you, & with my brothers & sisters. I would have been okay with suffering occasionally just to stay there & be loved." Oh god. I can't take this. I look at her sweet, adorable little face, & I realize she is counting on me to make the decision...but I can't. But I have to. And what if I make the wrong one? If I were ever in a coma or suffering, I would want my family to pull the plug. But I just can't make a decision for her. She's soooo cute & soooo sweet & has fought so hard to live this long. I know, I know, if she is put to sleep now, I would have given her 10 months she wouldn't have gotten if not for me, but that doesn't console me. I'd like to give her 10 YEARS or more. But I'm helpless and have no control.

And I might have to make the same decision about Clark. He's been having some of the same symptoms, to a lesser degree. It stands to reason that they have the same illness, being brother & sister, and most of their family died of it. He just may be a bit stronger. So I might have to put them both down, to tread on the side of caution with my other, healthy cats, & so that neither suffers. As I'm pondering this for both of them, and Ginger is loving me so much on my lap today, Clark came over and got lovey-dovey with me, too, & he NEVER does that. He's very independent, & normally doesn't pay me much attention...unless I'm eating something that smells good. But he came over to check on his sister, & plopped down next to me, meowing, & purring, & wanting attention from me. I just simply don't know what to do.

This is just tearing me apart.