Update

Nothing new going on over here. No donations. Don't know if people are even viewing the site cause my webmaster basically went MIA (don't blame him, he was working for free). Tried to get a role in "New Year's Eve," since I've worked with that director 5+ times....but he said they were only using NY local actors. I volunteered to pay my own airfare & boarding...but no such luck. I hear this director has said I got "fat & old." Um...I suppose that's true. Epilepsy meds make you gain weight. I gained 30 pounds on epilepsy meds, no other lifestyle changes. You don't see many thin epileptics. There are some LUCKY people who lose weight on epilepsy meds, but MOST gain weight. It slows down your metabolism. I didn't have much of one to begin with. Boo. And as far as aging? Um, yeah, every year I get one year older! That's the way life works! I used to look REALLY young for my age, but sadly, epilepsy--and all the stresses & health problems associated with it--truly aged me. I'm so, so sorry I got fat & old. It happens. I want to lose weight, but 5 foot doctors told me I'm not allowed to do any cardio that uses my feet.....so really, I'm only allowed to swim or bike. Swimming isn't real practical year 'round, & biking is only practical on my days off. I'm not even supposed to walk on a treadmill. Why? The 30 pound weight gain caused severe plantar faciitis because I kept dancing with the extra weight...and that condition lead to Achilles tendonitis.....it was recommend by every foot doctor that I consulted that I retire from dancing...my response was always "Will you pay my mortgage/bills?" Yeah. I'd have no job if I retired dancing. So every day, I dance in some serious pain. By the last show, I'm truly hurting. But dance on I must, & considering the state of the economy, I'm lucky to even have a job that hurts me!!! I'm grateful for my job, pain aside. I'm thinking about sucking up worse pain & just start jogging despite doctor warnings. I have a bad knee, too, but hey...my depression is all the worse due to the extra weight. I feel seriously UGLY. I cringe when I see pictures of me, with my giant boobs, fat arms, muffin top, & 3 chins. I don't like that my chin resembles Peter Griffin! Sheesh! It's so extremely depressing. Especially when I see pictures of myself when I was thinner. I was so much more attractive...still not PRETTY, imho, but much cuter.

Every day is a battle with myself to keep going. Some days, I want to end it all, & other days, I have hope that SOMETHING will happen in my career....I will sell a script, get a good role, etc. I'm fairly confident it won't happen til I lose weight. Chubby actresses are not popular in Hollywood, with a few exceptions (the gorgeous Queen Latifah, hilarious/adorable Melissa McCarthy, etc.). I also cannot afford new headshots at this particular moment in time. Some days, my goals seem obtainable & I'm hopeful...other days....I just want it all to end. I've struggled for so long.