A dear friend of mine recently suffered the loss of a dear friend of hers, sadly to suicide. Depression wins again. She was wondering, as most survivors of suicide do, if there was more she could have done. I was impressed with even her attempt to understand depression, because most people who don't suffer it don't care to try to understand it. This was my email to her, to TRY to explain from a depressed person's perspective, what it's like, on the simplest level (meaning it's far more complex). I don't claim to speak for ALL those suffering depression, but I think I have a pretty good handle on it.
(Names changed or omitted to protect the innocent.)
"Sadly, I can't make any promises [to not take my life]. I actually bought a notebook to write my goodbye letters in. I didn't want to die without telling the people I care about how I feel. My sister makes fun of me and says I'm clearly talking about suicide for attention, since I've been talking about it for years. What she and others don't understand is that it's most definitely not for attention. It is a daily battle. If I've been talking about it for 10 years, it means I've won the battle for 10 years. I'm tired of fighting. I literally cannot think of the last good thing that's happened to me. Not one single thing. It's been bad after bad after bad. I am willing to take the good and bad...but I get no good. My mom suffered clinical depression and I've inherited that. Add seizure meds that CAUSE "severe depression and suicidal thoughts," and I'm in trouble. The other day, I just laid in bed crying, saying I wanted to see my mom again...and if it had to be through death....I looked around my apartment a month ago looking for a sturdy place to hang myself....before I even realized what I was doing! That scared me! Now, I'm in need of a place to live, can't afford anywhere, can't afford my bills, and my wealthy family won't help me cause it was my decision to pursue my dream and be poor. Talk about depressing. I feel guilty knowing two friends are fighting cancer...they WANT to live, and I want to die. But I had a conversation with one of them. I tried explaining to her how major of an illness depression is....how it's not really 'Cassie' who wants to die. There's an annoying voice in my head constantly telling me I have nothing to live for...I'm a worthless piece of shit (pardon)....there is nothing left for me to accomplish....my time has come....no one would give a crap if I died (I know this isn't true, though I DO feel my family wouldn't care)...etc. Some days, the voice is really loud. It's more powerful than anyone can understand. But when you are near homeless, can't afford a place to live, can't FIND a place to live, can't come up with $5k to pay off your debts to even ATTEMPT to afford rent, can't afford food (yet the govt says you make "too much" for assistance), etc, health sucks, family is mean, etc, etc...it gets to be a lil much. Why continue living when you have such a sad life?
Let me put your mind at ease and tell you what I'm putting in my 'suicide letters.' There is NOTHING you could have done differently. You could have talked to him 5 minutes before he took his life, telling him how much you love him, etc. Wouldn't have mattered. He KNEW how much he was loved. Try to understand from our/my perspective....the love of my friends does NOT pay my bills...buy me food...give me a place to live....fix my health problems, and most importantly, it does NOT take my sadness away. [It does NOT silence the demon voice in my head.] Nothing does. I'm ON antidepressants. I TALK about what I'm going through. My close friends KNOW I'm suicidal. Talking doesn't help. Meds don't help. Sadly, LOVE doesn't help. Personally, I find depression far more deadly than cancer, because there is NO cure. Cancer CAN be cured. You can fight it and win. Severe depression is often a battle that cannot be won. You could not have helped your friend. I know I have friends who love me....friends who would be sad if I died. I know my grandmother would be devastated. But in the end, if I'm too tired to keep fighting, the intellectual knowledge that my friends love me won't keep me alive.
I'm sorry. :-/"
3 comments:
Wow...We need to get together and talk..i felt like i was reading my own story...i wish i had The money to get a place...like we have tried... I feel like a loser and cant get out and have a home... I wish people cared and i wish love was like mine...i give when i have money... And most of all i give my all to those i care about, and most reject me in the long run because of my depression... I have lost my best friend to suicide, tried once to join her...but for some reason i am here, in the same boat as you, but with few friends...anyhow...i so wish i had the means to get us a home...i feel bad because im on disability and get very little......we would do great together. Ive got so many things i want to say ...because i swear This was me wrting...call me and lets meet up when i find gas money...u know who i am.. message me on fb...so sorry u feel so Bad...i want u to know i get it...im there with u and here to talk to...for what its worth..hugs..
This comment by my sister is once again, full of shit. I have never made fun of my sister's depression. I have asked her repeatedly to go get help==but constantly get excuses--don't have the money, don't have the time, etc. etc. Her "wealthy" family has already given Cassie many thousands of dollars to help Cassie, all for naught. She tells this crap to all of her friends and they buy into it and start giving her their own hard-earned money. PLEASE STOP! GIVING MONEY TO MY SISTER DOES NOT HELP HER. It enables her to stay ill and stay stuck. Next time Cassie asks you for money or tells you about how depressed she is, please ask her to get professional help.
and, in addition, Depression may not be "curable", but it is manageable--but you have to take active steps to manage it (not medication alone) and in the past 15 years I have no knowledge of any active steps my sister has taken to help herself. Again, the best way any of Cassie's current friends can help her is to encourage her to check herself in to some center for inpatient treatment--or pay for her to go there--do not give money directly to her.
Post a Comment