I've truly had enough.  I'm just being beat down.  I desperately needed my days off, both to get shit done and to rest...and I've woken up both days with a near debilitating headache.  I'm still trying to get as many chores done as possible, when i want to just lay in bed and cry.  As bad as i felt yesterday, my roommate came home and was uncalled for mean to me.  I get that he doesn't want me here anymore, but perhaps he doesn't get that I'm spending approx two hours a fucking day desperately trying to find a place to live...it's not easy when you have no money and you have cats.  I'm stressed beyond compare, and naturally, that's making me physically ill.  I truly wish to die...but I'm too chickenshit to take my own life...afraid I'll fail in that, too.

Letter to a friend

A dear friend of mine recently suffered the loss of a dear friend of hers, sadly to suicide.  Depression wins again.  She was wondering, as most survivors of suicide do, if there was more she could have done.  I was impressed with even her attempt to understand depression, because most people who don't suffer it don't care to try to understand it.  This was my email to her, to TRY to explain from a depressed person's perspective, what it's like, on the simplest level (meaning it's far more complex).  I don't claim to speak for ALL those suffering depression, but I think I have a pretty good handle on it.

(Names changed or omitted to protect the innocent.)

"Sadly, I can't make any promises [to not take my life].  I actually bought a notebook to write my goodbye letters in.  I didn't want to die without telling the people I care about how I feel.  My sister makes fun of me and says I'm clearly talking about suicide for attention, since I've been talking about it for years.  What she and others don't understand is that it's most definitely not for attention.  It is a daily battle.  If I've been talking about it for 10 years, it means I've won the battle for 10 years.  I'm tired of fighting.  I literally cannot think of the last good thing that's happened to me.  Not one single thing.  It's been bad after bad after bad.  I am willing to take the good and bad...but I get no good.  My mom suffered clinical depression and I've inherited that.  Add seizure meds that CAUSE "severe depression and suicidal thoughts," and I'm in trouble.  The other day, I just laid in bed crying, saying I wanted to see my mom again...and if it had to be through death....I looked around my apartment a month ago looking for a sturdy place to hang myself....before I even realized what I was doing!  That scared me!  Now, I'm in need of a place to live, can't afford anywhere, can't afford my bills, and my wealthy family won't help me cause it was my decision to pursue my dream and be poor.  Talk about depressing.  I feel guilty knowing two friends are fighting cancer...they WANT to live, and I want to die.  But I had a conversation with one of them.  I tried explaining to her how major of an illness depression is....how it's not really 'Cassie' who wants to die.  There's an annoying voice in my head constantly telling me I have nothing to live for...I'm a worthless piece of shit (pardon)....there is nothing left for me to accomplish....my time has come....no one would give a crap if I died (I know this isn't true, though I DO feel my family wouldn't care)...etc.  Some days, the voice is really loud.  It's more powerful than anyone can understand.  But when you are near homeless, can't afford a place to live, can't FIND a place to live, can't come up with $5k to pay off your debts to even ATTEMPT to afford rent, can't afford food (yet the govt says you make "too much" for assistance), etc, health sucks, family is mean, etc, etc...it gets to be a lil much.  Why continue living when you have such a sad life?

Let me put your mind at ease and tell you what I'm putting in my 'suicide letters.' There is NOTHING you could have done differently.  You could have talked to him 5 minutes before he took his life, telling him how much you love him, etc.  Wouldn't have mattered.  He KNEW how much he was loved.  Try to understand from our/my perspective....the love of my friends does NOT pay my bills...buy me food...give me a place to live....fix my health problems, and most importantly, it does NOT take my sadness away.  [It does NOT silence the demon voice in my head.] Nothing does.  I'm ON antidepressants.  I TALK about what I'm going through.  My close friends KNOW I'm suicidal.  Talking doesn't help.  Meds don't help.  Sadly, LOVE doesn't help.  Personally, I find depression far more deadly than cancer, because there is NO cure.  Cancer CAN be cured.  You can fight it and win.  Severe depression is often a battle that cannot be won.  You could not have helped your friend.  I know I have friends who love me....friends who would be sad if I died.  I know my grandmother would be devastated.  But in the end, if I'm too tired to keep fighting, the intellectual knowledge that my friends love me won't keep me alive.

I'm sorry.  :-/"

Update

Nothing new going on over here. No donations. Don't know if people are even viewing the site cause my webmaster basically went MIA (don't blame him, he was working for free). Tried to get a role in "New Year's Eve," since I've worked with that director 5+ times....but he said they were only using NY local actors. I volunteered to pay my own airfare & boarding...but no such luck. I hear this director has said I got "fat & old." Um...I suppose that's true. Epilepsy meds make you gain weight. I gained 30 pounds on epilepsy meds, no other lifestyle changes. You don't see many thin epileptics. There are some LUCKY people who lose weight on epilepsy meds, but MOST gain weight. It slows down your metabolism. I didn't have much of one to begin with. Boo. And as far as aging? Um, yeah, every year I get one year older! That's the way life works! I used to look REALLY young for my age, but sadly, epilepsy--and all the stresses & health problems associated with it--truly aged me. I'm so, so sorry I got fat & old. It happens. I want to lose weight, but 5 foot doctors told me I'm not allowed to do any cardio that uses my feet.....so really, I'm only allowed to swim or bike. Swimming isn't real practical year 'round, & biking is only practical on my days off. I'm not even supposed to walk on a treadmill. Why? The 30 pound weight gain caused severe plantar faciitis because I kept dancing with the extra weight...and that condition lead to Achilles tendonitis.....it was recommend by every foot doctor that I consulted that I retire from dancing...my response was always "Will you pay my mortgage/bills?" Yeah. I'd have no job if I retired dancing. So every day, I dance in some serious pain. By the last show, I'm truly hurting. But dance on I must, & considering the state of the economy, I'm lucky to even have a job that hurts me!!! I'm grateful for my job, pain aside. I'm thinking about sucking up worse pain & just start jogging despite doctor warnings. I have a bad knee, too, but hey...my depression is all the worse due to the extra weight. I feel seriously UGLY. I cringe when I see pictures of me, with my giant boobs, fat arms, muffin top, & 3 chins. I don't like that my chin resembles Peter Griffin! Sheesh! It's so extremely depressing. Especially when I see pictures of myself when I was thinner. I was so much more attractive...still not PRETTY, imho, but much cuter.

Every day is a battle with myself to keep going. Some days, I want to end it all, & other days, I have hope that SOMETHING will happen in my career....I will sell a script, get a good role, etc. I'm fairly confident it won't happen til I lose weight. Chubby actresses are not popular in Hollywood, with a few exceptions (the gorgeous Queen Latifah, hilarious/adorable Melissa McCarthy, etc.). I also cannot afford new headshots at this particular moment in time. Some days, my goals seem obtainable & I'm hopeful...other days....I just want it all to end. I've struggled for so long.

Tried to figure out a way to contact Hollywood Farm Girl (Tammy Lynn Michaels). I met her years ago & wanted to offer her some words of support. She was really cool when I met her. I met her at the GLAAD Awards many years ago, with Melissa. Melissa didn't want to take the picture with me (I think shyness more than being a jerk), but Tammy was all for it & was so funny.

I haven't written in forever. I know I should be better about it. Truth is, I'm deeply, deeply depressed, & I tend to cut myself off from the world the more depressed I get.

As I was sitting here writing this, a friend just randomly started being a jerk and called me a "simple mind." Nothing like friends who really know how to be there for you, right? I said, "What nights are you off next week," and he started typing a bunch of smileys. So I asked again. He said, "My schedule is not out yet." Surprised, considering schedules are supposed to be out 2 weeks in advance, I said, "What????" And he repeated himself & added, "I didn't know I was dealing with a simple mind." I said, "Simple mind?" And he said, "What's with all the questions? What is it you want to know & why?" I said, "It was one question. 'What nights are you off next week.' One question. I wanted us to see a movie together. Never mind."

Geez.

In all fairness, he IS an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, but we're pretty good friends, & last time I saw him we were fine. Maybe he's drunk. He's a nasty drunk. Maybe I'm making excuses for him yet again.

Anyway....

Not much new to write about. I had a teensy part in "Valentine's Day." I have a black Bettie Page hairdo & say "Hi Morley" to Jessica Alba's character. I worked 4 days on the movie & said more than that, but as usual for me & Garry Marshall, I'm lucky to end up seen or speaking at all. I'm hoping for some sort of part in "New Year's Eve," or whatever it will be called, but I shant hold my breath, either.

Having trouble holding onto my house. I just need to make more money. It kills me that I work my butt off 5 days a week & can't make ends meet. I've been with this company for 12 years now! You'd think I'd be making a better living. I have no money for anything extra. I have no money for my bills. No money for gas/food. It's pathetic, it really is. I need to fix things on my car....no money. I need new headshots, desperately, if I'm to get an agent....no money. I'm going to try to set up the tripod & get a decent headshot of myself (yes, taken by myself), and then try to figure out how to come up with the money to get them printed up. I haven't had a new headshot in at least 5 years or so. I had short, blonde pixie hair & was considerably thinner. That was pre-seizure meds, pre-last seizure when I blossomed sideways. Ugh. Then I went through 3 years or so of black hair, and now I'm back to blonde hair (mostly....parts still look orange where the black didn't want to leave me), and it's long again. If I wanted to cut off most/all the orangey parts, it would be really short again. I'm not ready for that yet, though I will probably get back to short hair eventually. But I've been wanting it long for a while, so now that it is...I'm not ready to let it go.

Even though I'm not a big fan of hers, I was impressed to read that Elisabeth Hasselbeck changed her stance on gay marriage after having dinner with Melissa Etheridge. She was opposed and now she's for gay marriage. Good for her. I have posted about gay marriage several times on my FB statuses, & I have yet to have one person give me a legit, intelligent reason why gays should not marry. If your argument against gay marriage is religious, you should rent the DVD "For the Bible Tells Me So." If it's for non-religious reasons....huh? I mean, I cannot think of a single viable reason--that's not stupidity or fear based--for gays to not be able to get married. I think I do believe churches should be able to personally decide if they want to hold gay marriages there, but my reasoning for that is this: if you were a gay couple, why would you WANT to get married in a church that opposed your love???? Wouldn't you want to get married surrounded by positivity, love, & support? Personally, I don't get the connection between religion and marriage at all.

But then I'm unmarried and will likely stay that way.

Enough for now. My cats are curled up sleeping next to me, & I think I shall take that as a hint. I had a huge list of things to do today and tomorrow, & I didn't get anything done today...other than rest, which IS very important, for sure. My job is really tiring me out...not to mention the depression. There isn't much that's more exhausting than wanting to die.

yo

Adventures in traveling

So I get to the airport early today. Before 1:30 for a 2:45 flight (this is Birmingham, no longer than that is needed). I go through security...and they tell me I'm the lucky winner...I get to go through the "randomly picked" (random my ass) special security fun....they pull me over to a special section with special bins for my stuff. Once I load all my stuff in the special bins, the TSA guy escorts me to a private glass booth. WTF? Someone finally comes to get me, & escorts me over to where I'm going to get thoroughly checked. They molest my body, & then go over EVERY ITEM I have with a fine toothed security comb...including the food I brought. I didn't really care, but was curious why I was selected. It was no huge deal, but it was slightly annoying, especially since I have no clue why they picked me.

Then the flight was delayed....TWO HOURS! It was late getting in, & then there was a "mechanical problem." So, when we finally get on the damn plane...it's a damn sauna, & it's abundantly clear to me that I'm not going to make my connecting plane. I got to be buddies with the man next to me, he was super nice. (Smartest man I've ever met, too, cause he & his wife have separate homes!) We get to Denver, where I find out they can't get me to Burbank until TOMORROW!!! Thank god I leave that one day cushion...which is really supposed to be for me to rest & recover from traveling...not to continue traveling! So United Airlines provides me with a hotel room in Aurora, & dinner, & an over night kit....cause I find out I don't get to be reunited with my luggage. I don't have extra clothes, no toiletries, etc. I'm told I can get dinner at the airport or at the restaurant across the street from the hotel. My new friend walks around with me, since his rescheduled flight isn't for a while. I decided to buy some cheap Colorado tourist clothes...pants & a t-shirt...cause I AIN'T wearing the same outfit again tomorrow. Gross. Yes, I would, obviously, be showering, but I've been in those damn clothes all day, & remember, the airplane had been a sauna, so I had been sweating. It was sooo cool, cause I found a $20 pair of comfy pants kinda like sweatpants, & my new friend was nice enough to buy me the t-shirt! That was so super nice. He said it was good karma, & I had to pay it forward. Cool!

So I get a smoothie for my "dinner," my new friend & I part ways, & I head to Carousel 16 to get my overnight kit. Then they tell me to head out to Island 3 & wait for the hotel shuttle.

Yeah, it's at this point that I remember I'm in COLORADO in FEBRUARY! Yeah....I stand out on the damn curb, OUTSIDE, for 1.5 hours...in a t-shirt. My jacket, which wasn't heavy anyway, was in my luggage that I didn't get to have. A t-shirt, & it's like 25 degrees! WTF?!?! Does that overnight kit contain a coat & mittens? Damn. I couldn't feel my fingers. I'm lucky as hell I had a blanket with me, so I wrapped up in that.

After 1.5 hours, I'm irritated, frozen, & had to piss like a racehorse. I'm afraid to leave the curb, worried the damn shuttle will pull up the one minute I walk away, & thinking no one is there, leave. But I finally decide to go inside & ask. I'm like, "How long do I have to wait for the shuttle? I've been out in the cold in a t-shirt for 1.5 hours!" The lady calls, & I run to the potty. Best pee ever. When I come back, she tells me the hotel expected a phone call saying someone was waiting for pick up, but United was never told they were supposed to call the hotel. Every other hotel sends a shuttle like every 15 minutes, automatically. The lady was pissed, cause they didn't even know, themselves! So she said they would be there for me in 15 minutes, & she lent me a coat. I guess people leave their coats on the planes, so she let me take one. Having a coat, relieving my bladder, & knowing I'd soon be in a warm bed made me feel better.

I checked my ticket & it has another SSSS on it....guess what that means? I get to be molested by TSA again! Wooooot! No action for over a year & suddenly I get a lot! Sweet!

Seriously, though, I cannot believe I had to go through that security bullshit today, & have to do it again tomorrow...when I SHOULD be in my own bed tonight, with my very much missed kitties, & shouldn't have to be going back through security AT ALL! This wasn't my fault, & I get inconvenienced with a security molestation again? How is that crap fair? Sheesh.

Then the United lady tells me it's supposed to snow here in Denver tonight....so will my flight even be able to take off tomorrow??? Damn.

I'm *really* hoping Mirna can go back, unexpectedly, to my house tonight, or I'm going to have STARVING cats tomorrow. *worried* Sorry, Mirna. This wasn't my plan!

I'll have to come back to Colorado some day & actually stay a while & go skiing. My friend just moved to Durango. I went to Denver for a while back in '91-ish, don't remember too much about it.

It's been an action packed day. I washed my panties in the sink here, I hope they are dry for tomorrow! Hey, they didn't sell panties at the airport! I get free buffet breakfast tomorrow, a shuttle back, & free wireless.

Unfortunately, I have to wear the same dirty socks tomorrow. *gag*

Ginger

She's doing great. A change to (expensive) prescription food made all the difference in the world. It's a bit of an inconvenience, because I have to feed her separately from the other kitties, but the change is amazing. She appears completely healthy. It's great. I'm so happy.